PTB at it again…

Got this as my Brat Factor email today:

“If your eyes are blinded with your worries, you cannot see the beauty of the sunset. – Krishnamurti

I love knowing I have the power in any given moment to stop worrying. Once when I was a young, single mother, I was consumed with worry over finances. The thought, ‘How am I going to make my mortgage payment,’ was like a majorette, holding a baton, marching backward and blowing a whistle to the on-coming band of worry thoughts ready to move in and play their parts about my financial situation. I thought about those people who jumped off buildings when the Great Depression hit and the stock market crashed. I could understand how they felt. I went out on the deck off my second story bedroom and looked out over my yard with blinded eyes of worry and all I said was, “I need peace.” INSTANTLY my worry disappeared! Parade over! Band gone! I was shocked by the instantaneous speed of my transformation in thinking as I was left standing in complete peace. I’ve used that statement, “I need peace,” many times since that day and it works every time. I think our inner brats are the worriers and we have to recognize that we are worrying before we can do something about it. Whatever you are worried about right now, stop and recognize that you are worried, give your brat a mental hug to let her know everything is going to be alright and then declare, “I need peace.” You will be amazed. Oh, and enjoy the sunset! “

How true it is! I need peace. And I have the power to stop worrying.

Gaaa…

We hates the money issues. Need to run home, get a check and do the quick deposit into the household account so we can pay the mortgage. It’s gonna be really tight for a while – my checking & savings acct are getting low, and the household… ::shudder:: but we’ll manage, I’m sure. May pull out the frugal menu mailer for this week, or just stick with leftovers…

I want to be positive about things, but have a headache and my neck & shoulders are stiff & sore… maybe from the bike ride yesterday? ::shrug:: ow. Dunno. Either way, doesn’t help put me in a better frame of mind. It was nice going for a walk with ‘splodie this morning. I’m more of a solitary walker, but nice to have company once in a while.

Meh… back to work.

Wednesday…

Still deciding if it’s Cranky WednesdayTM or not. I’m in a slight everything-is-annoying mood – it’s freezing in the office, my yogurt is still frozen, my desk is a mess and my hair is starting to bug me. Oh yeah, and freaking about paying the mortgage and other bills right now.

But on the upside, my Honey has a new job that he’s very excited about and I’m happy for him – it’s a huge step up in many ways for him and very good for the ego… think he’ll do well in it. I also need to get my head out of my butt and push him more to work on the site, the business plan, and get that going. It, too is an awesome opportunity, just don’t want it to slip away.

Meh… gonna have my yogurt, get my tunes on and look at doing a 15-minute day.

Grumpiness

You may take dramatic action today in order to make a point about an important friendship. You could be struggling with romantic issues, but others don’t realize the depth of your feelings. It’s important to try to make them understand, however it may feel like the more you try, the less they get it. Being consistent is more useful than forcing anyone to believe you. Tuesday, March 27, 2007

Yep… that’s about how I feel about it sometimes. Loves the Manthing, and the more I try to share it with people, the less they care/believe/get it. ::shrug:: oh well… not my problem.

::head desk:: this is the one thing that I dislike about work sometimes – last minute OMGMUSTGETDONE changes. After everything has been done and will have to be undone to make the changes. bleh.

Bleh…

Today’s one of those days. Started off ok. I didn’t want to get up, but I did. Went for a walk and discovered that my leg wasn’t happy with me. Thinking I’ll do pilates or yoga tomorrow instead of the walk to give it a rest and stretch it. Got to work, yadda yadda… then hit some weird wall of frustration and grumpiness. Part of it was a document I’m working on that’s just annoying. Part of it was… I dunno. Hope it passes

Memorial

Erin’s memorial service is on Sunday, and I’ve been debating on going or not. I’ve never met her and it seems almost like I’d be a false presence amongst those that knew her and who’s lives she touched. But then again, I want to be there for Billy. My Honey even asked why I would want to go if I didn’t know her, but it’s something I feel like I should do.

Then my dad, in his wisdom, hit the nail on the head. I made a comment about feeling like Meemaw because of it. We always joked about how Meemaw would go to anyone’s funeral, someone she knew, someone related to or friends with someone she knew, etc. She also kept the dates of peoples death on her calendar along with birthdays and anniversaries. It always seemed like she had a morbid fascination with death, but my dad said something that put it in a new light: That it was her own form of ministry. The more I think about it, the more it makes sense. The memorial services are for the living to share their thoughts and memories of the person who has passed on. It’s also a collective way to share each others energy, to give strength to the family and those who have been left behind. Yes it’s a sad occasion, but even for someone you don’t know or know well, it’s a physical showing of love, support, and how the person touched many lives, directly or indirectly. In this case, I never met Erin, but I know Billy and what she meant to him. Through him, I knew her, and as a result am a better person for it. I owe it to him and to her memory, to show my support and share my strength with the other people in attendance.

Interesting…

“Something has changed and you are ready to dig into an issue that you might have been avoiding until now. The solutions to your problems, though, are no longer as simple as they once were. Your best weapon in this current engagement with reality is your cooperative attitude. You would feel invincible as long as you stay focused on working for the betterment of everyone involved.”

This would be another “Ow! Quit it!” flick from the PTB…

But in meditating on the flicks from yesterday, I’m working on my positive expectations. It got me up this morning, it helped me go for a walk, and the scale was a bit lower… yay! I am looking up and having the positive expectations that I’ll get to my first weight goal by the end of the month. And by that point, I’ll have done enough of my routine to get my nails done… which will be around the next pay day. Yay… Working this pay period to not spend money too frivolously – already have done enough recently. *sigh* It’s not about depriving myself, it’s about short term sacrifice for long term gain… I want to have enough left over this pay period that I can start rebuilding my savings.

Post one…

We’ll see how long this one lasts at work.

Been freaking out about a lot of things lately – work, money, weight, money, oh yeah, and money…

Then got 2 flicks in the head from the PTB:

“Worry looks around, sorry looks back, Faith looks up.”

“Plant seeds of expectation in your mind; cultivate thoughts that anticipate achievement. Believe in yourself as being capable of overcoming all obstacles and weaknesses.- Norman Vincent Peale”

Ok, fine. I’m listening…

With money, it’s partly my own doing – I haven’t been keeping track of the household acct like I should, I haven’t been as smart with my own money. And to make things worse, I keep looking at things I want to get/do/buy for the wedding we haven’t set a date for. I mean, there’s 3 different dresses I would love to get right now, but why?! I have to let it go and know that there will always be something available that I’ll like later on. I feel like it’s just a major hemmorrage that I don’t have much chance of stopping. I knew I’d hit a bad place when I was looking at a debt consolodation offer I got, and a balance transfer card offer in teh mail and found myself seriously considering it. *sigh* But that’s worry looking back. I’m looking around, blaming and feeling sorry for myself, but I have faith that it will be better, so I’m looking up to the PTB for guidance. It was difficult the last couple of weeks to have that faith because of, again, the worry and sorry.

It’s about the same with my weight. My eating has been out of control, I wasn’t exercising, I was having a ‘who cares/why bother’ attitude. Yes, I chose to snuggle with my Honey and not get up to exercise, but it was a choice. Not beating myself up about it, and having faith that I will meet my goals. There’s the worry about health concerns and just the physical appearance thing, there’s the sorry for feeling like a big lump, but there’s the faith that I’ll make it happen.